Sex is Relating

But then we want to have Intimacy and Sex.
After the explosion of positive sexuality, sex revolution and the invention of the pill, we are experiencing the backlashes, one after another.
The drug trap, the banality trap, the porn trap, the disease trap, the social pressure trap, the gender trap, the consent trap — All of them are real issues that make sexuality a socially complicated issue. Many decided/realized/confirmed with themselves that they prefer to live without, prefer not to have sex at all, just as any other sexual orientation or as a temporary practice.

I want to talk about sex as a microcosm of relating, not a casual encounter with someone in the street or with a distant friend. Rather a communication with someone that touches you and gives you pleasure/ pain, play/control, intense feelings…
Sex is negotiation – you can start with negotiating everything before you begin, you can be able to negotiate meanwhile. But in all cases you don’t get all that you want, at the time pace you want, nor the best quality. More than that, borders are breached, some sort of discomfort is happening, sometimes even a feeling of abuse.

I always give an example about a bad blowjob. You receive one of those in a dark room and in 3 seconds you bottom up your trousers and leave. But if this person is in your bed, if you had a drink together you will probably wait a minute, then make a non-verbal sign, a strange voice or touching his head, shoulder, afterward you go to verbal communication, something like no teeth please/too soft/softer, please. And if it doesn’t work, you will hopefully, with some guilt, stop it.

We are also feeling sometimes obliged to fuck/suck/rim/kiss – anything that in our circles means to have good sex.
So, is it all abuse/breaching your limits/not respecting yourself enough/being weak… maybe sex is also not putting yourself and your needs in the center always. What about finding the middle point. Is it always wrong to compromise and not listening to your body?

Where exactly lies the line between harming yourself and just pleasing your partner? Can you really know it in advance?  
If he is super excited, and you are just getting there? If you both want to bottom? Like all negotiations, being creative is very helpful, but not all of us are! Like all negotiations it does not always establish a mutual understanding, there is no guarantee that this will be fun, fully consensual, pleasurable all the time. With some we can flow easily without a single word, and with others it’s like we talk different languages.

The better you know your limits, connect with your body and open your heart, the better the communication will be. It’s not a promise, but it will help you not to fall into the many traps that create fear, victimhood, and avoidance.
Sex like relating is full of small negotiations, miscommunication, difficulty to listen or accepting other people’s limits.

If we wish to continue to create a society that communicates, discusses, and figures out, that does not fall into the paradigm of the egocentrism, the individual is the most important thing. ”My experience is more valid than your experience”, tagging and mapping human behavior as good or bad without considering the context. This, like in the political sphere, brings us to disintegration and polarization. Finding out together is always better than running into our small “safe” space.

SEX like LIFE is RELATING